I hate you, yes you. The soulless dead eyed creature staring back at me. You have ruined it all in your pursuit for one more.
I hate you for the degradation, the humiliation and the isolation and loneliness you forced up me. You never listened to my screams to stop, you never listened to me saying we shouldn’t do this, you never cared when I was crying and screaming for help.
The only thing you wanted was one more.
But I broke free. I ran away from you. I broke down, swallowed my pride and asked for help. I got clean.
You fade more and more everyday from the mirror. I hate you for the feelings of guilt and shame for all the things you made me do. My heart is breaking for the pain you caused those I love.
But I broke free. I started learning more about you and your manipulations and lies. I started learning that you really wanted me to die. I hate you for trying to kill me. I hate you for your lies. I started talking about you to someone who can help me. I told the truth no matter how many times you screamed at me to stop. I let light into the darkness you created.
My family no longer sees you when they look at me. I only see glimpses of you every now and then. I got a job that allows me to talk about my time with you and helps me heal myself and others. I can pay my bills on time and not have to steal, lie, or cheat anyone else. I am finding me for the first time in a long time and I am starting to like who I am no thanks to you.
I am sponsoring others and have been of service to NA. I have friends who accepted me, in spite of you trying to tear me down every chance you get. I have worked the 12 steps that allowed me to heal and forgive those who harmed me, including you. I forgive you for all the things you have done. I forgive you for all the things you still do in trying to see me fail. I forgive you for the way you mistreat me and abuse me.
I forgive you.
I forgive me.
I hated who I was while I was using drugs. Every time I used it was an attempted suicide. My bottom (or end of using) was a gun in my mouth to kill myself because I wanted the pain to end. I found a higher power and started working the NA program as well as getting my mental health needs taken care of.
I had a hard road from IV meth and heroin use to getting clean. I did it cold turkey and it sucked. But I am grateful for the awful experience because I never want to have to go through all of that again. I am now 2 years and 8 months clean. My life has changed so much thanks to recovery.
I rise in recovery so that my boys know of a better way of life and for them to have their mom back. I rise in recovery because recovery taught me that I AM WORTHY and LOVED.
Photo is representative and does not show actual CMHS client